Q: I recently moved to a new city with my boyfriend of six months; we travelled here together. He got a moving allowance from work and said he'd split it with me, but didn't.
On the trip, he accidentally damaged my bike -- that cost $150 to repair.
My car battery died and he tried to boost it but set it up backwards and fried the stereo; I'll have to get that fixed, too.
He doesn't offer to pay for any of these costs he's incurred. I interpret it as an ultimate lack of respect. I'd mention it but I hate to talk about/ask for money.
Am I overreacting?
A: Stop being a sitting duck for moochers; hand your guy a bill for what he owes you. Neither etiquette nor over reaction is at issue. "Not talking about money" is a polite standard with regard to the finances of strangers. It doesn't apply to his broken promises about shared costs, or the price of repairs to property damaged by him.
Speak up. He should pay you at least half for those fixes, and also make good on splitting his moving costs, since he wanted you along.
If you let these expenses go unshared, you'll be reacting a great deal more when you finally realize he's taking advantage of you regularly because you let him.
SHE NEEDS TO SET LIMITS
Q: We're both 19, attending the same university. We started to get serious just before summer, knowing we were going back to our different cities till school starts again.
She'd "broken up" with her boyfriend of four years before she went to university (he goes there too) but they slept together on the random. They talk plenty.
I just came back from a five-day visit in her city and he text-messaged her daily and called twice. It's way too often for me.
I get angry when he contacts her and I feel he knows this.
She insists that they're good friends and I must trust her
A: If their sleeping together continues, her "trust me" words are hollow and you need to walk away.
It's normal for you to feel a) annoyed, and b) played, by one or both of them. The last thing you want is to return to university full of jealous suspicions which can cloud your other school experiences and studies.
Talk with her about setting some limits on her old friendship. But if their connection persists in being too intense, leave them to it.
PARENTS ARE TOO EXPENSIVE
Q: My cultural obligations to my parents includes financial help, i.e. giving them enough money to go on vacations whenever they ask.
My wife feels they ask too often and greatly resents that we sometimes can't afford our own vacations and are living tightly even though we both work. But I feel I have no choice.
A: Choices: a) Your parents could have at least one less vacation so you could have yours; b) they could also be told your true financial status.
Consider this -- your wife could resent this enough to leave and that'll be the most costly choice.
DON'T RUSH INTO RELATIONSHIP
Q: I'm a single mother, my daughter's in the Philippines; my boyfriend of one month is divorced with two kids, both here.
We love each other. He wants to discuss plans, dreams etc. I've said I'm taking time while enjoying our relationship but he wants more.
I see my future with him and am willing to sacrifice and work with our relationship. How can I open up more to him?
A: Talk of dreams is fine, but rushing into a long-term commitment can become a nightmare. You owe it to yourself and your child to take more time getting to know him.
He's pushing hard, and fast. Ask: Why the rush? What sacrifices loom? He undoubtedly has responsibilities for his children -- visiting time and financial support.
Learn more about this side of his life, and also share your plans regarding your daughter.
E-mail Ellie: ellie@therecord.com
