Q: My mom favours my sister-in-law and her kids; she's constantly helping her. I've asked her, with reasonable notice, to babysit and she either cancels or forgets.
I'm not jealous, just frustrated.
My mom accommodates any situation for my sister-in-law while I have to make other arrangements or face the "guilt trip."
I never get compliments on raising my son, but hear how great SIL is doing.
My hubby and I've stopped going over to my mother's for Sunday dinner and it feels great -- no remarks or crazy looks. I just want to know what's her deal.
A: Decide your own deal rather than aggravate yourself trying to figure out hers. You won't -- not unless Mommy Distant agrees to open up, or go to counselling with you about this rocky relationship.
Neither is likely.
I suspect there were bumps in your relationship long before the sis-in-law came along and provided a lucky foil for your mother's game-playing with you.
You and hubby are wise to set your own boundaries and make your own babysitting plans. Mom can't score another hurt or annoyance if you don't play along.
HIS PARENTS ARE TOO INVOLVED
Q: After six years living together, my husband (we're married one year) is "confused" about us and moved back with his parents. He's not communicating with me.
We have no children. We've been working on conceiving for under a year and had some very rough fights about how his parents meddle, push and give unsolicited advice.
I feel he doesn't want to grow up or be his own man.
He works with his dad.
He can't stand how his parents fight. They communicate with him daily.
He'd been acting differently for six months, didn't want to "try" to conceive this month.
His mother called to talk and I was honest with her about our problems; unfortunately that turned her against me. She blames me for everything, saying I've been pressuring him.
He says he loves me and always will.
Is it possible that he doesn't have a mind of his own?
A: Your own analysis may be right-on: he's very much under his parents' influence.
The delay in conceiving a child may have (wrongly) made him feel insecure about his manliness. This was not your pressure, but rather the schedule demands related to trying to conceive.
His parents countered by blaming you, causing him to feel more pressured and confused. But escaping to his parents won't clear his mind about your relationship; it'll only keep him in a state of avoidance -- which is the immaturity, and lack of independence you've pinpointed. Keep trying to get him to meet with you; he owes you that much as your husband.
If you still love each other, your best chance for a fresh start is for him to move out of his parents' sphere. He can still maintain contact but with boundaries.
He should also consider finding new work on his own.
LACK OF TALK MEANS IT'S OVER
Q: My girlfriend and I have been living in Spain for five years (teaching English).
I'm late-20s and moving back to North America as it's time to start a career. She's early-30s but says she's sure she'd not find work back home. Is this her way of trying to break up?
She won't talk about it.
A: Yes. Nothing says "it's over" clearer than refusing to budge or discuss.
E-mail Ellie: ellie@therecord.com
